Yom Kippur Yizkor 5783: The Stones We Carry

I have a stone that I keep on my desk. It’s not polished, or precious. It’s not a gem, or a moon rock – it’s just a piece of granite that I found one summer on a very special rafting trip. Each time I look at it I remember the moment I picked it up and slipped it into my pocket. Each time I hold it in my hand, feel its cool, rough edges and the heft of its weight, I travel back to that special river – that moment in time that was so perfect, so magical, so fleeting. The essence of that stone has less to do with aesthetics than the memories that it evokes within me when I hold it.

Two weeks ago, I stood with some of you at a special service in our cemetery. We came together to remember loved ones who are buried in our sacred ground. It was a warm day – the sun shone brightly. Some of us wore hats and sunglasses, others carried umbrellas …… and some people brought stones with them: stones that they kept in their pockets or their purses. Maybe you were there. Perhaps, during the service you slipped a hand in your pocket or purse and you felt a stone – mingled in with your keys, your loose change or your chapstick (or loose tic-tacs). And as you touched it and felt its coolness – perhaps you thought about what you were going to do with it – how you were going to place it on top of the grave of your loved one on that sunny day.

It’s a strange custom - placing a stone on a grave. Some say we do it instead of bringing flowers – because flowers are temporary – they wither and fade quickly. Stones are eternal – like love is eternal.

Others - the sociologists and anthropologists among us - believe that the custom of placing a stone on a grave is a remnant of an ancient practice: the stone becomes a talisman – to ward off evil spirits - to protect our loved ones on their long journey from this world to the next.

I heard a wonderful story several years ago when I was leading a congregational trip to Israel and we made a stop at Har Herzl – Israel’s national cemetery. There we stood in front of the graves of Theodore Herzl – the father of modern Zionism – Golda Meir, Yitzchak Rabin and so many others who built up the Jewish state. To see their graves is to see hundreds – perhaps thousands – of small stones –piled one atop the other – stones that were left by those who had come to pay tribute. Our guide told us that one possible reason we bring stones to the cemetery comes from an ancient practice that predated the idea of headstones. Today, we commission a headstone to be cut and carefully placed on the grave of a loved one. In olden days, it was the mourners in the community who built the monument – pebble by pebble, stone by stone, lovingly placed by those left behind who came to pay tribute and respect to the deceased. As each stone was placed atop the next, the monument emerged – growing with every placement until a mound of stones – a hill of memories – took shape.

Today we have come to this sacred place to remember our loved ones. Some of us are carrying stones – they weigh heavily in our hearts. These are not physical stones that we can actually touch, but we feel their weight nonetheless. These stones are the memories, the joys, the loss, the questions –sometimes even the anger – and the love that fills our souls – especially at this time of remembrance. When we come to Yizkor, we let down our guard. Here we are permitted to feel the absence of the loved ones in our lives. The emptiness that their deaths have created is palpable. And so we cry. And when our tears flow, we are not alone. Like those ancient graves made of pebbles, each tear has a purpose – each that we shed tear joins together with those of all who are with us today – and all who ever felt a loss over the ages. Our tears merge together and create what my colleague, Rabbi Jeffrey Salkin, has called a River of tears that has accompanied our people throughout our wanderings. It flows when are hearts are filled with emotion: whether with joy or sadness – at our simchas and our sorrows.

I want to you take a moment and focus on the image of a river of tears that is fed from the wellsprings of our hearts. See it flowing – even overflowing the banks that try to contain it.

Now I want you to focus on the stones that you carry in your heart.

Take one out. – just one. Feel its weight.

Now - toss it into that river. See how it ripples – see the circles that emanate out from the point where it splashed into the water – growing larger and larger until they seem to disappear….

But they don’t disappear, do they? Those circles keep on going – even when we can no longer see them.

In the same way – those whom we love – who are no more – still have an impact in our world. When we remember them – when we remember their love, their laughter, their silliness and their soulfulness – we are ensuring that their impact will continue.

When we find ourselves saying the things that they said; doing the things that they did; laughing at their jokes – cheering their successes and feeling their failures. When we work on their behalf to continue the legacy of love and caring that they have bequeathed to us – we are keeping their memory alive.

When we are determined to keep on living – to celebrate the gift of life that they had to relinquish – we are building a monument to their legacies.

My friends – today is the day that we are acutely aware of both the fragility and all of the possibilities of life. On this sacred day we remember; we give thanks and we allow our tears to flow.

Our task – as we prepare to bid farewell to this holiest of days – is not to cast away our grief – that would be impossible and unhealthy. Our task is to learn to live with our grief – to use it to build a monument to our loved ones who have died – a monument, not made of stones, but of our actions – our vision – our determination to repair this all too imperfect world that is so flawed and so amazingly beautiful.

Stones are eternal. Love is eternal. May we learn to embrace the stones we carry in our hearts – and use them to remember, to build and to cast away the pain, the hurt and the loss that is a lasting legacy.

Yehi Zichram Baruch – may their memories be for a blessing. AMEN

The Search For Truth in a Time of Absolutes: Kol Nidre 5783

For a video of this sermon, click HERE

Dear Friends,

Over the past several months, NASA has been publishing remarkable images from the James F. Webb Telescope that was launched on December 21^st, 2021.  They have opened new windows into the mystery of the Universe that are astounding.  Here a just a few of the images that have been recently published:

 

           

                

The clarity and beauty of these photographs is stunning.  We are now able to see details and vistas of the stars that give us new perspectives as to the origins and meaning of life.  What a time in which to live!

Actually – since this is Kol Nidre – I need to confess something. Three of these images are from the Webb telescope.  The last one is not. 

It’s a piece of Chorizo  - Spanish salami - that was posted by a French astronomer named Étienne Klein, director of France's Alternative Energies and Atomic Energy Commission.  He shared the purported James Webb Space Telescope (JWST) image on July 31 – claiming that it was a “…[p]hoto of Proxima Centauri, the closest star to the Sun, located 4.2 light years from us.”  Tens of thousands of people saw the image and were delighted by its clarity. When the hoax was discovered, the condemnation was immediate and intense.  While Klein asserted that it was a joke in good clean fun, many others were angered. In response, Klein wrote: “According to contemporary cosmology, no object related to Spanish charcuterie exists anywhere else other than on Earth.” He then went on to say that this was a cautionary tale:  He tweeted:  “Let us learn to be wary of arguments from authority as much as of the spontaneous eloquence of certain images.”  In other words, just because someone with a fancy title says something, it doesn’t mean it is true – until proven as such.

 

I actually think it’s hilarious – but, then again, I’m no physicist….  But there is a deeper significance to this prank than simply replacing star dust with cold cuts. The fact is, it is becoming increasingly difficult to believe our eyes in the face of the constant barrage of attempts to manipulate and distort the truth that we are facing. How many times, over the course of the past several years, have we watched as power-hungry parasites have twisted the truth in order to justify their narcissistic, paranoid and hate-filled agendas?  From Vaccine skeptics to science deniers; From anti-Semites who call Zionism racism, to Vladimir Putin’s obscene attempts to justify his megalomaniacal designs on Ukraine; from election deniers who support the rioters and seditionists that attacked our capital on January 6^th; from those whose actions have denied women the right to control their own bodies, to those who strive to maintain a status quo based on racism and oppression - truth is increasingly threatened by self-righteous individuals who believe that their understanding of truth must be imposed on everyone else.

Tonight, on this holiest night of the year, I want to talk about Truth.

In the beginning of this service, as we listened to the ancient and hauntingly beautiful melody of Kol Nidre –chanted by our beloved Cantor Sacks - our tradition teaches that we stood before God – our souls bared, our deepest secrets on display. This day: from sundown tonight until sunset tomorrow, is all about the truths of our lives. All pretense is gone. All barriers are broken. We examine our life’s story and resolve to correct the mistakes, missteps and regrets that we have brought with us into this New Year.

Looking at those images from the Webb Telescope, (Chorizo notwithstanding), it’s important to understand that what we are saw in those photographs travelled billions of light years until it reached us. The images that filled our screens seem close enough to touch – but that is an illusion. What we saw is ancient light that travelled an incomprehensible distance before arriving in our field of vision.  These incredible vistas, in all probability, no longer exist– at least not in the form that we have observed. But they are a part of our reality right now. Our lives are on a trajectory. As Joni Mitchell wrote, “We’re captive on the carousel of time. We can’t return, we can only look behind from where we came…[i]”. Our past is our greatest teacher – if we are open to exploring its lessons.

Orson Wells was reported to have said: “If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.”  Think about that for a second. Our lives are in constant motion. We each have our own trajectory filled with

Triumph, Tragedy, Frustration, Education, Joy, Sorrow, Insights, Disappointments.

We are not static – we are constantly changing, evolving, and moving on and into the next stages of our timeline.

These High Holy Days are all about stepping back and acknowledging where we are in the process of becoming - as we both write and live out our own stories. For too many of us, we want to hit the “pause” button when we feel that the current moment in which we are living has become the ultimate fulfillment of all that we wish for. One year ago, on October 10^th, Sue and I stood under the chuppah with our daughter, Elana and son-in-law, Greg as they pledged their hearts and lives to one another at their wedding.  The next day, we had to pack up and pay the bills… We wanted to stop time and revel in the power and beauty of that moment under the chuppah.  But of course, as much as we’d like to remain static, rewind, or skip ahead to the future, we cannot.  As long as we live, we change, we grow, we rise and fall, we fulfill, and we fail – all on our own time.

On Rosh HaShanah we celebrated creation – new beginnings. We said:  “Hayom Harat Olam” – this is the day that the world was created.

On Yom Kippur – we step back from renewal and focus on our present - while simultaneously embracing the future with a renewed sense of commitment and intention. 

This is the essence of Kol Nidre and the next 24 hours.  Tonight, we are given the gift of stepping outside of time and exploring our own personal truths.

So as examine the truths of our lives and the world in which we live we need to acknowledge the fact that the very concept of Truth has become a threatened commodity.

This year, as part of our preparations and experience of these Yamim Noraim – these High holy Days – we have been exploring the meaning and power of truth. Two weeks ago, on Selichot, we invited the Reverend Canon Broderick Greer – one of the Pastors at Denver’s Episcopal Cathedral of St. John - to engage in dialogue about the meaning and import of “Spiritual Truth.” Together, we explored how God’s presence – or absence - in our lives can help us to frame and comprehend the complexities, curiosities, and complications that we face alongside the moments of despondency and exaltation that bookend the ongoing saga of our unfolding life stories. Tomorrow afternoon, at the beginning of our Yom Kippur Afternoon service, LeeAnn Colacioppo, the editor of the Denver Post, will join us as we explore how the very concept of truth is increasingly being challenged. We are bombarded on all sides - daily - by competing claims of veracity. Objectivity is quickly disappearing as we draw lines in the sand and refuse to engage with those whose political, religious, or historical worldview does not fit with our own.

 

This past summer, I spent some time at the Rocky Mountain Song School – a 5-day intensive workshop taught by professional songwriters, performers, and faculty from some of the most prestigious music schools around the country[ii]. This was my second of what I hope will be a yearly attendance at song-school and it filled my soul. One of the most powerful aspects of this annual get-together are the friendships and bonds that I have been able to forge. This year, I met a man – a littler older than me, but not by much. He was a great guitarist and songwriter, and we could see that we shared a similar love of the craft. We jammed together and really hit it off. I asked him what he did when he wasn’t writing songs.

“I’m a therapist,” he replied.

“What kind of therapy do you do?” I asked him

“Marriage and Family counseling,” he replied.

Are you in solo practice or in a group?” I asked

I work for a large non-profit,” he said.  “Have you ever heard of Focus on the Family? We are a religious organization that uses Biblical principles to help families stay healthy.”

I had heard of Focus on the Family – and I’m sure that many of you have as well. They are a fundamentalist, Christian organization based in Colorado Springs that is Right Wing, Conservative, Anti-Gay, and has worked very hard to restrict or terminate choices around abortion and reproductive freedom. There have been numerous times, over the past several years, that I have stood on the opposite side of them at demonstrations, in conference rooms testifying for and against ballot initiatives and bills that have come before the State Legislature. Truly, I’m opposed to almost everything that they support[iii].

My first instinct was to shut him down and walk away. How could I engage with someone whose values were antithetical to my own?

But I didn’t. Because our interaction had nothing to do with politics, social justice, or religion.  We were just two old guys who loved to play the guitar and write songs.  After a while, I did ask him some pointed questions about how he might counsel a family who had a child who came out to their parents as Gay or Trans…I asked what he would do in situations where someone need abortion care – and, while we certainly did not agree on many issues, we were able to approach our differences with mutual respect and admiration – because we saw the humanity in one another – not just our political or religious differences. This was a revelation for me – I must confess.

You see, there are two differing perspectives on truth: Absolutism and Relativism.

Absolutism is a zero-sum game. It teaches: “ I am right, and you have to be wrong.” And there are places where absolutism is essential. When opinion conflicts with fact, truth is indisputable. For example, only one candidate can win an election. And yet, for those who hold an extreme, absolutist agenda, it is not enough to present their beliefs or opinions as deeply-felt, it is also essential to impose these beliefs on others as the only truth – and this is very dangerous.

We see this in theocratic and autocratic governments like Iran, Afghanistan and Russia.  Here in America, a disturbing tide of Christian Nationalism is rising that wants to tear down the walls of separation of religion and state. This, in turn, is amplified by media outlets that profit from creating  a bubble of “group-think” that foments and encourages extremists and conspiracy-theorists – repeating falsehoods spewed by demagogues that are accepted as gospel by devotees hungry for red meat. We have already seen the devastating impact on society caused by election denying propaganda that took place a year and a half ago on January 6^th.

Relativism, on the other hand, teaches: “My truth upholds my world-view, but does not contradict yours.” While, on paper, this sounds wonderful, it too has problems. Sometimes we need to hold on to absolute truths. As Daniel Patrick Moynihan famously once said: “You may be entitled to your own opinions, but you're not entitled to your own facts.[iv]”  If one person’s belief system threatens the health, safety and sometimes, even the stability of society, there cannot be a level playing field. For example, here in Colorado, we know all too well the devastation that has been caused by the proliferation of firearms. Too many innocent lives have been lost at the hands of disturbed individuals whose personal demons told them to kill innocent men, women, and children. The idolatry inherent in the wild-west, cowboy culture promoted by the gun lobby is a plague upon our nation – we see it in the blood that runs in our schools and on our streets.

At the same time, there is a place for relativism – especially when it comes to faith. When I was just beginning in my rabbinate, I came across a concept inherent to interfaith dialogue called “parallel truths.” This teaches that two deeply held, but seemingly contradictory beliefs can exist side by side and truth and objectivity are not necessarily in conflict with one another. If I say, for example: “Shwayder Camp is the best summer camp in the nation,” am I lying?  It depends.  If I measure my statement by purely objective standards, then there are probably many who could prove me wrong by looking at multiple standards of comparison. On the other hand, if my statement is based on my personal Truth (with a capital “T”), then it is not a false statement.  Similarly, when I state that my faith is what is True to me – it does not mean that your faith is not True to you. So long as there is no attempt to enforce a particular belief on others, then everyone is entitled to their own beliefs – their own truth.

There's a Midrash that teaches that the word for “Truth” in Hebrew is emet. 

 

It is comprised of 3 letters: aleph, mem, and tav-- the first, the middle and the last letters of the Hebrew alphabet. As such, Emet/Truth is all-encompassing. We can only arrive at truth when we allow ourselves to consider all ends of the spectrum. There is the 16th century legend of the Golem of Prague, created by Rabbi Judah Loew. In the legend of the Golem, Rabbi Loew created a being – a monster – out of clay. He wrote on the Golem’s forehead the word “emet”- truth. That's what kept the Golem alive.But Rabbi Loew lost control of his monster. And so the Golem had to be destroyed. What did the Rabbi do?” He took the three letter word - emet, and erased the aleph.

 He was left with two letters, mem and tav – which spells out the word, “met” – which means death. When truth is perverted, it can literally spell the death of society.

Our differing perceptions of truth are contributing to an environment of toxicity. How many of us have family members, friends, and neighbors that we have shut out of our lives because of an inability to agree with or even discuss anything without getting into heated political arguments? We need to learn how to accept our disagreements – even our differing understandings of truth - if we are to be able to live together.

 

In the Talmud two great schools of thought, Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai provide us with a model of tolerance even when we disagree. In the history of rabbinic debate, they almost never agreed with each other. The split between them was so deep that, according to the Talmud, "the Torah became like two Torahs [when they would debate its meaning][v]".

But our tradition ascribes merit to both schools.  They followed two key principles when they argued.  Even though they almost always disagreed with each other , the students of Beit Shammai and the students of Beit Hillel ate in each other’s homes and their children married each other.[vi]. They did not let disputes in one area prevent them from living together in community. When it came to determining who was right, we know that the law usually followed Beit Hillel because the students of Beit Hillel would begin their argument by teaching both their own position and that of Beit Shammai, in fact they would teach the opinion of Beit Shammai first[vii].

Our task, on this day of truth telling, is to try to follow the examples of Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai as we forge a pathway that incorporates both the beautiful and the painful truths of our lives. Now is the time to address the feelings of disconnection that we feel with others and try to find common ground. Life is too short to allow our disagreements to separate us from the ones we live amongst and love.

And so, once again on this holiest night of the year I challenge you to find the truths that you can share with the most important people in your lives:

·      Tell the people you love that you love them. 

·      Reach out to those who need you. 

·      Ask for help from those who want nothing more than to be there for you.

·      Make amends with those who have hurt you – and to those whom you have hurt as well. 

I know that there are times when forgiveness and reconciliation are not possible – when chasms have been created by callousness and, even worse, by abuse. Sometimes Absolutism cannot be overcome.  Not every action can be forgiven and not everyone can forgive. And yet, whenever possible, we must try to forgive those who come to us in true repentance – and even those who can’t or won’t.  Holding on to grudges takes up too much of our time.  There are more important things to do in life. This is the ultimate truth we must embrace on this Kol Nidre Eve.

May our search for truth bring us closer to one another.

G’mar Chatimah Tovah.

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[i] https://jonimitchell.com/music/song.cfm?id=39

[ii] For more information about Planet bluegrass’s song school, click here:  https://bluegrass.com/song-school

[iii] For more information about Focus on The Family – start here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Focus_on_the_Family https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Focus_on_the_Family

[iv] 1984 July 16, Cleveland Plain Dealer, Moynihan: If it’s fixed, don’t break it by Daniel Patrick Moynihan, Page 9A, Column 1, Cleveland, Ohio.

[v] Talmud, Sanhedrin 88b

[vi] Mishnah Yevamot 1:4

[vii] Talmud - Eruvin 13b:10-11